//
Two sisters in their 50s climb to the top of a mountain with lunch and a gun.
(Two women in their late fifties, Harriet and Jean, outdoors, at a picnic table on the top of a mountain. Jean lights a cigarette.)
HARRIET
It’s just not special to me anymore.
JEAN
I’m sorry?
HARRIET
I just, I wanted to bring you here and tell you that.
(pause)
JEAN
(calmly) What the fuck are you talking about?
HARRIET
And that I love you. I’m sorry I spent all those years hating you.
JEAN
Harriet. What are you talking about?
Harriet. What are you talking about?
HARRIET
You want some of that tofu?
JEAN
I’m not eating curry anymore. My doctor thinks it’s part of what’s giving me this gas problem.
I’m not eating curry anymore. My doctor thinks it’s part of what’s giving me this gas problem.
HARRIET
Oh.
JEAN
Where are we?
Where are we?
HARRIET
This was the home of the Chattaqua Empire.
JEAN
What’s that – Indians?
What’s that – Indians?
HARRIET
Right.
(pause)
HARRIET
I never got to be good at anything, Jean.
JEAN
You’re a wonderful person, dear.
You’re a wonderful person, dear.
HARRIET
No. I never took the time to get good at anything. I think that might have made a difference. I think it takes spending a lot of time alone. You have to be alone and desperate for the success and I never felt that way. I always wanted company. That was my problem.
JEAN
Are you talking about Frank? Is something wrong?
Are you talking about Frank? Is something wrong?
HARRIET
No, I’m not talking about Frank.
JEAN
It’s annoying having him at home, right? I went through the same thing, honey. I retired before David, so I got my setup at home for a few years and then all of a sudden, when he retired, this stranger is on my turf the whole day. It was a real problem. I thought I was gonna kill him.
It’s annoying having him at home, right? I went through the same thing, honey. I retired before David, so I got my setup at home for a few years and then all of a sudden, when he retired, this stranger is on my turf the whole day. It was a real problem. I thought I was gonna kill him.
HARRIET
Why didn’t you tell me that you’re not eating curry anymore?
JEAN
What are you talking about? I just told you.
HARRIET
No, why didn’t you tell me when I was preparing the food. I would have made something different.
JEAN
It’s okay. I’m not hungry.
It’s okay. I’m not hungry.
HARRIET
It’s rude not to tell me, that’s the point. It makes me a bad host.
It’s rude not to tell me, that’s the point. It makes me a bad host.
JEAN
Oh, Harriet, fine, I’m sorry. It’s my fault, I’m a bad sister. Is that better?
Oh, Harriet, fine, I’m sorry. It’s my fault, I’m a bad sister. Is that better?
HARRIET
(sarcastic) Well now I feel like a good host.
JEAN
I can’t even apologize correctly. I’m sorry for that too. You’re so sensitive.
(pause)
HARRIET
I would have made something that you like.
JEAN
What is it Harriet? What are we doing up here? You’re gonna tell me something? I’m all ears.
What is it Harriet? What are we doing up here? You’re gonna tell me something? I’m all ears.
HARRIET
I’ve already told you.
JEAN
About you and Frank? Honey, it’s okay. That’s what I’m saying. David and I went through it too. You’ve worked through 28 years together, you’ll work through this too.
HARRIET
I wanted us to have something nice to eat.
JEAN
You’re gonna have me apologizing for this forever.
(Harriet laughs)
JEAN
That’s funny to you?
(pause)
JEAN
Fine. Look, I’ll eat the tofu if it’s that important to you, but it’s going to be a gassy walk back down.
(Harriet reaches into her bag, pulls out a revolver and places it on the table, keeping her hand on top.)
JEAN
That’s a gun.
That’s a gun.
HARRIET
Frank.
JEAN
It’s Frank’s?
It’s Frank’s?
(Harriet nods.)
HARRIET
I’m leaving half to you and half to Frank. You don’t need it, of course, I don’t mean it as an insult, you’ve always done better for yourself than me with money. I hope you’ll give it away to something that you believe in. You’re better at that too. I had to wait for you to do this. I didn’t want to explain it to Frank and the kids. I didn’t know how to tell them. I’m not good at confronting people. They’ll be sad. I know that. I know they love me. I couldn’t explain it to them, but I knew you could handle it. You’ve always had more skill at things like that than me. I don’t know how to tell them, but I know that you can.
(Jean pulls on the gun. Harriet pulls it out from under her and puts it into her mouth. Jean knocks it to the side and it fires over Harriet’s shoulder, hurting no one. A beat. Jean slaps Harriet across the face, a reprimand, and grabs the gun. Harriet doesn’t fight it, but won’t let go.)
JEAN
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
HARRIET
No.
No.
JEAN
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
HARRIET
No.
JEAN
Now.
Now.
HARRIET
It’s not different at the bottom of the hill, Jean. I don’t know what you’re trying to save. What are you gonna do, lock me up?
JEAN
Goddamn right I’ll lock you up. Let go.
HARRIET
No!
JEAN
Let go!
HARRIET
No!
(They struggle and stop, both holding on.)
HARRIET
I’m not doing it to you. It won’t be on your record – don’t worry.
JEAN
Who do you think you’re talking to?
Who do you think you’re talking to?
HARRIET
I know, I know. You’re older and so you’ve always felt that I’m your responsibility. Because Mom said something to you when we were younger, so you’ve been looking out for me the whole time.
(pause)
HARRIET
And it’s, “To whom.” (beat) “To whom do you think you’re talking?”
JEAN
I’m not having this fight again! That’s not how language works.
HARRIET
That’s the rule!
JEAN
Grammer is subject to change in the fashion! Language evolves!
Grammer is subject to change in the fashion! Language evolves!
HARRIET
No. You fucking bitch! I’m so tired of this. Yours is incorrect!
JEAN
No language without context – I can say whatever I want in this context.
No language without context – I can say whatever I want in this context.
HARRIET
You have to win. Even now? Even when I’m right? I hate you Jean. I fucking hate you.
JEAN
Harriet. I’m going to march you down to the bottom of this mountain and I’m going to take you to the hospital. I’m going to find a special place for you to live until you’re better. We’ll come visit you. You’ll be very happy.
HARRIET
Plastic knives and forks for the rest of my life, right? An attendant who cuts my food for me and thinks I’m an old woman with a peculiar odor.
JEAN
That’s probably right.
HARRIET
It’s not the weaponry.
JEAN
I’m sorry?
I’m sorry?
HARRIET
The Indians could shut themselves off, could turn off their bodies. You don’t have to kill yourself, you can just stop yourself from living. It’s why the Indians never really became slaves. They would turn themselves off and die – it was a bad investment. They would sit under a tree and make it so their hearts stopped beating.
JEAN
That’s the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard. You can’t control the brainstem functions.
That’s the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard. You can’t control the brainstem functions.
(Harriet quickly tries to pull the gun free. She jerks JEAN around, but doesn’t get the gun loose.)
JEAN
Ow, Harriet, Ow. That really hurt. I think you pulled my arm out of the socket.
Ow, Harriet, Ow. That really hurt. I think you pulled my arm out of the socket.
HARRIET
I hate you for this. If there’s a god and I see Him, I’m going to tell him what a shit you are.
I hate you for this. If there’s a god and I see Him, I’m going to tell him what a shit you are.
JEAN
I love you unconditionally Harriet and I have since the day you were born.
I love you unconditionally Harriet and I have since the day you were born.
(Harriet brings the gun up and spins her arm around until Jean’s grip breaks. Harriet shoots herself in the chest and drops instantly. Harriet coughs and is dead. Short pause. Jean screams once with all her guts. She looks around – is anyone there? Jean is increasingly the only living presence onstage. She goes into Harriet’s purse and removes a cell phone. She calls Frank.)
JEAN
(on the phone) Frank. (Jean’s mouth is open, but the words are slow to come.)
(on the phone) Frank. (Jean’s mouth is open, but the words are slow to come.)
END PLAY